It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
