I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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