I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
