@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
