so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
