This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
