3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
