Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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