The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's shark week go big or go home
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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