i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My life is pants optional.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
