Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
