I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
