I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
