How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
