If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize