I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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