Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Rumble strips road head = magical
MIDGETS
????
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
