i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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