arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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