Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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