I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
