I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
