He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
