weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
