she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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