Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
