I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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