if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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