i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
