I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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