I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do herpes really smell.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
