sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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