There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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