How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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