We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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