Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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