We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
