my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
