no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
