I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
