Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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