mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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