In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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