Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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