wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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