if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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