So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
