Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
