I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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