so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
