How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
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You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.