My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...