Cold hands, warm shart.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
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We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover