yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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