I puked a lego.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
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I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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