i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
