I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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