I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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