The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
