I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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