I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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